Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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