did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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