you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
