Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
