i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need water and some morals
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