I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
