forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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