you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
