So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
