What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
