let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
