just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
