Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
