Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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