So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
