I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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