I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
