My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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