I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize