I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
