So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
