would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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