apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
