Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
