And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
