Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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