Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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