You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
