I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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