could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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