you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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