when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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