i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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