Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
