I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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