he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just had sex on a roof
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize