I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
