Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
