i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
