Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
