Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
