I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
