why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
