1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
