Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
well you can't waste a boner
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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