when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
