The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Randomize
