I molested 6 butterflies tonight
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
