He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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