I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
