I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
