I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
