from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
