he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
