I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
