I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
