he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
