Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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