I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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