I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
