I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Best friends brother. Beat that.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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