Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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