I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I need to align my fucking chakras
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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